I read Miranda July’s All Fours and I’m a man.

And so this must be the book review you’ve always wanted.

I read Miranda July’s All Fours and I’m a man.

And so this must be the book review you’ve always wanted.

Let’s lay out some house rules, ok? First, nothing I write here should be ascribed to me. Like, if you come away upset or frustrated, or think of me as tone deaf or anti-woke or too woke or maybe fluidly woke, then realize I wrote none of this. It wrote itself, practically, so who are we to assign blame? Anyway, house rule #1: it wasn’t me.

Another rule is about my manhood. Specifically, you’re not to judge it at all. I’m a man. I’m manly. I am practically the lumberjack that sits on the side of every Brawny paper towel roll (btw, you wouldn’t catch me messing with that dainty tear-a-square sh*t, that’s for weaker humans). I’m strong, like an ox, and am fully able to vocalize my emotions and can “use my words” as my family likes to say when I get so mad that I foam lightly at the mouth.

Final rule is about spoilers, of which you’ll find many, and I hope you like them.

Anyway, let’s get to it, and we might as well start with just how amazingly erotic All Fours is. I mean, in high school someone gave me one of those naughty romance novels which I read in a field behind a tree. And I had another friend whose dad stacked *Playboys* into a leaning tower of booty.

One time we snuck into the garage…wait, wait…

Ok All Fours…it is so so so hot. First thing you should know is the main character is a married woman who eventually gets it on with a lady, and you should all be aware guys really like the lesbo stuff, so this totally fit the bill. Ok the lady was old, maybe way older, and maybe a little unfit, and rubenesque, but really all body types are cool and it didn’t matter because it was two ladies, and that makes any book as good as the next.

I bring that up only to say that All Fours really feels like it empowers women to step into their own skin, to be who they are and who they want to be. Actually, I know one woman who read the book and literally left her husband for a woman. Just like that. Book. Last Page. Bye Bye, Man. Hello sexy woman (in garters and lingerie). I mean, how many books could pull that off?

Anyway, from the little that I could understand, All Fours really delves into the tedium of middle-aged married women’s lives, and their daft-as-shit husbands, who really need to be taken care of like little children. Gone are the days of youthful exuberance, and welcome to the days of operationalizing every damn thing the ‘I do’ and ’til death do we part’ married man can’t do for themselves. Organizing their lives, managing the kids, being the go-between with family members, buying gifts for people, color matching their damn outfits because they are clueless as an oval stone and totally color blind — and differently in each eye, no less (this is a modern miracle and men should be proud of this ability).

At the heart of All Fours is the emotional relationship wifey-protagonist-in-a-midlife-crisis has with a much younger man. This younger man is also married (and makes a living renting cars, so it’s clearly very fictionalized), and while there is obviously a connection, the man refuses to have any sort of intimacy. I mean, this is why this book is totally surreal and hard to believe because, damnit, this guy would have been totally getting some of that. And the guy, like, dances a bunch which I didn’t understand at all, because real men don’t dance like a ballerina ever, so again I found this part really hard to believe.

What’s with the name All Fours anyway? I mean, she never gets on all fours, so is it like an analogy or a simile or a parable, whatever the hell that is anyway? And the author, Miranda July? Totally made up name, no one is named Miranda or July. Just like no one is actually named Aubrey Plaza. I’d have preferred the book be called July Plaza, and I bet it would have helped it sell more.

I do have to call out one important theme in the book, which is acceptance of nonbinary characters. July deftly places a child at the center of the equation. This child is named Sam, and Sam is referred to as ‘they’ throughout the book, which made it really hard to follow to be honest. Like I kept asking myself whether there were two people or one. Chalk one up for too distracting, although appreciate July’s attempt to remain current.

I have to admit, one of my favorite parts of All Fours is the hotel room decorating. I think this is actually why so many people appreciated this book, because there are so many tips and best practices, and the temporary appeal of creating something that will be set free in the world is really powerful. By ‘set free’, I mean someone else could rent the room (spoiler: which they did, how cool is that?), so it had this like abstract experimental art project quality to it, like building your own Meow Wolf in the back of a 7–11.

Anyway, I’m pretty good with shapes, and I’m pretty sure the way she laid the tile and the type of art she purchased is really unique, so I’ve decided I want to do just that. If it’s ok with you, I’ll just end here now because I have to go ask my wife to help order all of the furniture and arrange it just so when it arrives.

(of course I’ll unbox it and throw away the cardboard you Rube, this is why our marriage is so balanced and healthy).